ShareThis
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
# 1 - Thanksgiving. No thanks - No Giving
His name is Gabe, and he is the sweetest boy I know.
Let this be the introduction of many blogs to come about our neverending battle with the Devil. I am sure you are thinking "Gravel Roads and Gratitude Rocks" blog is not sounding so positive. But this will be the beginning to getting there. The fight for a boy, the fight for my inner myself to learn whats most important in life. Here it goes ( FYI : constructive critism and comments appreciated)
It’s a foggy October morning. The sun tries to peek through but I don’t think that I will see it today. I’m still staring out the window waiting for Gabe to get here. It’s almost 9:00 am and his mothers red truck comes down the driveway. Chills run up my spine, and my heart sinks so low I feel like I‘m going to vomit. I hate that she makes me feel this way.
Gabe jumps out of the truck and comes running toward the door. I peel my pregnant body up off the floor, I’d been re-tiling the entryway. Not a job for a pregnant woman I am sure, but with John away at work in Alberta I had to cover the outdated parkay on my own. Gabe’s mother gives a small nod and says “hi”, I return the same small gesture although I’m grinning ear to ear at Gabe whom I hadn’t seen in almost 2 months. Man does he ever look big!
Gabe summons his mother up the stairs, eager to show her his bedroom in our new home. She does not seem pleased. A big bay window, a set of shutters he can open to look down into the living room, and a new double bed. I’m sure your wondering why a mother would not be pleased for her son to have all of this and the only simple answer that I can give you at this point is jealousy.
Gabe’s mother who we will name Satana ( to protect the people behind this true story), came down the stairs with the usual smirk on her face and says “you know, a house like this in the Muskoka’s would cost upwards of half a million dollars!” I casually roll my eyes and respond “ well I’m glad we don’t live in the Muskoka’s then, our house was rather cheap considering its located on a swamp”. Satana is not impressed, she puts her hands on Gabe’s shoulders and looks at me to say “ Gabe has decided that he only wants to stay until noon today, so you can meet us in Madoc at 12:30pm” Gabe is staring at the floor, listening to his mother speak to something he didn’t want to agree to. He opens his mouth “ no I didn‘t” she seems to have squeezed his shoulders a little tighter to get her point across because Gabe returned his focus to the floor. “ We are going home today Gabe, I will see you at 12:30.”
Gabe and I started our 4 hour visit with a nice walk behind the barn with the dogs. Waiting until he has settled and in a good mood I very calmly say “ bud, if you don’t want to come and see me when your dad’s not home you don’t have to. I’ll miss you lots but it’s up to you pal” Gabe quickly assures me “ I really like coming here Kaye, its just my mom said that if I didn’t go back to Madoc by lunch time then I wasn’t allowed to ride my dirt bike”. At this point I’m not sure if my heart is sinking because I feel so fucking bad for the kid, or if my blood is at its boiling point preparing for an explosion. How in the hell does someone justify treating their child this way? Well you could go visit for the half of the weekend, or you could just go for a few hours and then I will let you ride your dirt bike. This furiates me! FYI : We bought the fucking dirt bike, therefore it should not be used to keep him from us.
A few weeks prior to all of this Satana had agreed to let Gabe spend half the weekend with me. This deal was only made after guaranteeing more child support. So, in exchange for 300.00 more a month I was entitled to half of Thanksgiving weekend. Satana has never kept to her word, I was hopeful she would have this time since she is rather greedy. No such luck. When 4 post dated cheques arrived in the mail all prior agreements were off.
On our way to Madoc Gabe and I are talking about his new baby sister that will be arriving in a few months. I have always wanted two children, and although I think of Gabe as my own I mentioned that I would love to have a little boy someday as well. Gabe squints as the sunlight comes through the clouds and looks towards me and says “ well you’ve got me”. My heart is melting, my tears can hardly stay behind my eyelids. The sun decided to shine today. “ Your right hunny, I do have you”. This moment will forever be my fuel for the battle. The turbulent ride through court so that we can see the sweetest boy I know on a regular basis.
We arrived in Madoc on time, Gabes mother is standing beside her truck waiting. I hate the way she’s looking at me. I constantly remind myself that I am here for Gabe, to keep in touch, to make him happy, to ensure that he has a wonderful relationship with his baby sister. Since she reneged on our agreement to split this weekend evenly, I thought I would ask if Gabe could come on another weekend to spend the night. I offer to do 100% of the transportation, 3 and a half hours to get him, 3 and a half back, and repeat it all the next day for a total of 14 hours in a weekend. Satana, or Satan for short hesitates for a moment; so I speak up to assure her that Gabe and I have already spoke about it and he would very much enjoy that. Satana says “ actually, Gabe is very gung ho with hockey this year, so I don’t think that that’s a good idea right now” . Gabe looks embarrassed and upset. Why wasn’t he able to answer the question, why was he not asked if he would rather participate in hockey or spend some time with the other half of his family? It should be his decision and he should never be punished or ridiculed for whatever he decides to do. I give him a big hug, tell him I love him, and say goodbye. I don’t want to let go.
I barely get back onto the highway and I am pressing number 2 on my cel phone. My hands are shaking, my body is vibrating, and my blood pressure is high. Number 2 is my speedial key for John, I don’t think I could have dialed all ten digits in the state that I was. John answers his phone, I frantically recap on our morning and early afternoon, balling my eyes out I can barely see the road . I pull over and stop, sobbing so hard I keep saying “ I didn’t want him to go John, she’s a lying bitch! She told us we could see him and she reneged on all of it! We’re taking her to court! We have to! He looked so sad, she’s brainwashing the poor kid!” John assures me that we will take her to court. This is probably the 45th time he has said this. After every short cut visit over the past 7 years we always say were going to take her to court. We never do. But this time feels different, this time John wasn’t home to lean on for support or to deal with Satan himself. I dealt with her directly for the first time, and being as I am so sensitive when it comes to children or animals I will share with you some tips that I have learned on my journey of life :
Never make a promise that you can’t keep
Don’t mistreat children or animals, born or unborn. They are helpless and selfless and should only be treated with love and respect.
Last but not least : Don’t fuck with a pregnant lady
After an emotional day I took my pregnant self and my laptop to bed. I began searching the web for anything that could help me. Lawyers, social workers, who are they and who’s best. What do we need to prepare ourselves before court, how much and how long is this going to take, etc. John and Satana had been to court when Gabe was born and it didn’t go over too well. John got a few days a week of visitation at best, and the court order was not written in black and white therefore Satana did not abide. John is no angel, he had his days. When drug experimentation and drinking are at a high, he becomes an 18 year old father. I’m sure his torn blue jeans and grunge style hairdo did not impress a judge or lawyer. Lmao. However, I would surrender my right hand and honestly say that he is a devoted father who loves his little boy. He teaches him much and makes him smile. Anything beyond that is just small confetti at a birthday party. Their love is the gift.
* Please comment and let me know if your enjoying my blog and interested in hearing more :-)
Let this be the introduction of many blogs to come about our neverending battle with the Devil. I am sure you are thinking "Gravel Roads and Gratitude Rocks" blog is not sounding so positive. But this will be the beginning to getting there. The fight for a boy, the fight for my inner myself to learn whats most important in life. Here it goes ( FYI : constructive critism and comments appreciated)
It’s a foggy October morning. The sun tries to peek through but I don’t think that I will see it today. I’m still staring out the window waiting for Gabe to get here. It’s almost 9:00 am and his mothers red truck comes down the driveway. Chills run up my spine, and my heart sinks so low I feel like I‘m going to vomit. I hate that she makes me feel this way.
Gabe jumps out of the truck and comes running toward the door. I peel my pregnant body up off the floor, I’d been re-tiling the entryway. Not a job for a pregnant woman I am sure, but with John away at work in Alberta I had to cover the outdated parkay on my own. Gabe’s mother gives a small nod and says “hi”, I return the same small gesture although I’m grinning ear to ear at Gabe whom I hadn’t seen in almost 2 months. Man does he ever look big!
Gabe summons his mother up the stairs, eager to show her his bedroom in our new home. She does not seem pleased. A big bay window, a set of shutters he can open to look down into the living room, and a new double bed. I’m sure your wondering why a mother would not be pleased for her son to have all of this and the only simple answer that I can give you at this point is jealousy.
Gabe’s mother who we will name Satana ( to protect the people behind this true story), came down the stairs with the usual smirk on her face and says “you know, a house like this in the Muskoka’s would cost upwards of half a million dollars!” I casually roll my eyes and respond “ well I’m glad we don’t live in the Muskoka’s then, our house was rather cheap considering its located on a swamp”. Satana is not impressed, she puts her hands on Gabe’s shoulders and looks at me to say “ Gabe has decided that he only wants to stay until noon today, so you can meet us in Madoc at 12:30pm” Gabe is staring at the floor, listening to his mother speak to something he didn’t want to agree to. He opens his mouth “ no I didn‘t” she seems to have squeezed his shoulders a little tighter to get her point across because Gabe returned his focus to the floor. “ We are going home today Gabe, I will see you at 12:30.”
Gabe and I started our 4 hour visit with a nice walk behind the barn with the dogs. Waiting until he has settled and in a good mood I very calmly say “ bud, if you don’t want to come and see me when your dad’s not home you don’t have to. I’ll miss you lots but it’s up to you pal” Gabe quickly assures me “ I really like coming here Kaye, its just my mom said that if I didn’t go back to Madoc by lunch time then I wasn’t allowed to ride my dirt bike”. At this point I’m not sure if my heart is sinking because I feel so fucking bad for the kid, or if my blood is at its boiling point preparing for an explosion. How in the hell does someone justify treating their child this way? Well you could go visit for the half of the weekend, or you could just go for a few hours and then I will let you ride your dirt bike. This furiates me! FYI : We bought the fucking dirt bike, therefore it should not be used to keep him from us.
A few weeks prior to all of this Satana had agreed to let Gabe spend half the weekend with me. This deal was only made after guaranteeing more child support. So, in exchange for 300.00 more a month I was entitled to half of Thanksgiving weekend. Satana has never kept to her word, I was hopeful she would have this time since she is rather greedy. No such luck. When 4 post dated cheques arrived in the mail all prior agreements were off.
On our way to Madoc Gabe and I are talking about his new baby sister that will be arriving in a few months. I have always wanted two children, and although I think of Gabe as my own I mentioned that I would love to have a little boy someday as well. Gabe squints as the sunlight comes through the clouds and looks towards me and says “ well you’ve got me”. My heart is melting, my tears can hardly stay behind my eyelids. The sun decided to shine today. “ Your right hunny, I do have you”. This moment will forever be my fuel for the battle. The turbulent ride through court so that we can see the sweetest boy I know on a regular basis.
We arrived in Madoc on time, Gabes mother is standing beside her truck waiting. I hate the way she’s looking at me. I constantly remind myself that I am here for Gabe, to keep in touch, to make him happy, to ensure that he has a wonderful relationship with his baby sister. Since she reneged on our agreement to split this weekend evenly, I thought I would ask if Gabe could come on another weekend to spend the night. I offer to do 100% of the transportation, 3 and a half hours to get him, 3 and a half back, and repeat it all the next day for a total of 14 hours in a weekend. Satana, or Satan for short hesitates for a moment; so I speak up to assure her that Gabe and I have already spoke about it and he would very much enjoy that. Satana says “ actually, Gabe is very gung ho with hockey this year, so I don’t think that that’s a good idea right now” . Gabe looks embarrassed and upset. Why wasn’t he able to answer the question, why was he not asked if he would rather participate in hockey or spend some time with the other half of his family? It should be his decision and he should never be punished or ridiculed for whatever he decides to do. I give him a big hug, tell him I love him, and say goodbye. I don’t want to let go.
I barely get back onto the highway and I am pressing number 2 on my cel phone. My hands are shaking, my body is vibrating, and my blood pressure is high. Number 2 is my speedial key for John, I don’t think I could have dialed all ten digits in the state that I was. John answers his phone, I frantically recap on our morning and early afternoon, balling my eyes out I can barely see the road . I pull over and stop, sobbing so hard I keep saying “ I didn’t want him to go John, she’s a lying bitch! She told us we could see him and she reneged on all of it! We’re taking her to court! We have to! He looked so sad, she’s brainwashing the poor kid!” John assures me that we will take her to court. This is probably the 45th time he has said this. After every short cut visit over the past 7 years we always say were going to take her to court. We never do. But this time feels different, this time John wasn’t home to lean on for support or to deal with Satan himself. I dealt with her directly for the first time, and being as I am so sensitive when it comes to children or animals I will share with you some tips that I have learned on my journey of life :
Never make a promise that you can’t keep
Don’t mistreat children or animals, born or unborn. They are helpless and selfless and should only be treated with love and respect.
Last but not least : Don’t fuck with a pregnant lady
After an emotional day I took my pregnant self and my laptop to bed. I began searching the web for anything that could help me. Lawyers, social workers, who are they and who’s best. What do we need to prepare ourselves before court, how much and how long is this going to take, etc. John and Satana had been to court when Gabe was born and it didn’t go over too well. John got a few days a week of visitation at best, and the court order was not written in black and white therefore Satana did not abide. John is no angel, he had his days. When drug experimentation and drinking are at a high, he becomes an 18 year old father. I’m sure his torn blue jeans and grunge style hairdo did not impress a judge or lawyer. Lmao. However, I would surrender my right hand and honestly say that he is a devoted father who loves his little boy. He teaches him much and makes him smile. Anything beyond that is just small confetti at a birthday party. Their love is the gift.
* Please comment and let me know if your enjoying my blog and interested in hearing more :-)
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Losing sight, losing it all
On the verge of losing my home, drained from our neverending court litigation, and running after a toddler all day I feel as though I am ready to snap. But do I have the energy to? My eyes are swollen from crying all day, my skin is pale, my stomach empty. I have been carrying this gratitude rock in my pocket for two weeks now and it seems as though it has brought me nothing but pain and heartache. Where do I go from here? I've lost sight of the light at the end of this turbulent tunnel. There have been one too many forks on these bumpy roads.
This is my first blog. I am feeling as though it will be good therapy. My fuel for the days ahead : Bumpy roads are simply pathways made of rocks. Gratitude Rocks.
This is my first blog. I am feeling as though it will be good therapy. My fuel for the days ahead : Bumpy roads are simply pathways made of rocks. Gratitude Rocks.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)